Okay, so this was my day last Tuesday. I'm sorry its taken me a week to put this post up, but its taken that long to edit out most of the swearwords!
It started late on Monday...
Monday 9.30pm Put clean sheets on bed – am delighted by thoughts of lovely sleep on clean sheets – put puppy on bed – puppy wees on undersheet where duvet is enticingly turned back.
Tuesday 6.41am Squabbling children arise
6.45 Puppy wees on floor
8.35 Am informed that dear work friend has died of cancer after long long battle.
9.30 Children refuse to let up in constant nagging/fighting cycle
10 Start to try to get children to put shoes and socks on
10.30 Get them all plus puppy in the car – only half an hour late for playgroup
10.35 Can’t find car keys
10.49 Lift up teatowel on benchtop searching for keys and find huge roach
10.51 Finish beating roach to pulp
11.10 Give up on car keys and decide to take entire family up to shops for a coffee and something nice for lunch – don’t care what, anything to distract the little buggers
11.11 Inform children – tantrums commence
11.35 Tantrums subside
12.15 Make it up to the shops after long, wearing walk (I mean its only 750m how can it take 40mins??) – small crowd forms around puppy – answer stupid questions… yes he is cute, yes he is a puppy, no he isn’t a girl (SEE HE HAS A PENIS – a penis so hairy that the vet gave it a trim for him, yes a penis hair trim – she even had a scientific word for it. Vets never cease to amaze me), no he has never bitten anyone (which is a lie, he was chewing my hair at around 6.15am when Hubby dumped him on the bed before sprinting out the door)
12.36 Leave children in charge of puppy and crowd control and go to order Hot Chocolates
12.37 Find I have an empty wallet
12.38 Back in café after sprint to ATM (non my-bank so I paid TWO DOLLARS for the privledge) and fly past Bakers Delight where they foolishly tried to press sourdough bread upon me (not literally).
12.39 Take hot choccies out to children who have given up on me and are introducing themselves to total strangers, luring them in with the puppy.
12.41 Miss Four pours hot choccie over freshly bought cheesymite scroll
12.41 Tide of milk reaches Miss Three's cheesymite scroll
12.51 Tantrums abate when café lady abandons customers to restore calm
1.15 Buy milk, post books flogged on ebay for $7.50 each thankyouverymuch
1.34 Sun comes out, breeze drops and temp soars to 34 degrees
1.37 Begin slow, horrible trip home
1.43 Walk up my street carrying puppy, Miss Three, handbag, fetching shoulder bag with cupcakes on it containing 2L of Very Heavy Milk (because they were out of 1L cartons) and holding Miss Fours hand as she sobbed - "Are we there yet?"
1.45 Arrive home, fling children into bedrooms for ‘naps’, hide down far end of house enduring dead possum stench and sobbing over the end of Oprah (because it was all about army fellows coming home to their wives – and I am a sook)
2.15 Naked Miss Three arrives to inform me she has done a poo – congratulate her heartily – until she tells me it was in her bed.
2.16 I can’t appall you with the things I had to deal with for the next half an hour
2.31 Puppy wees on floor
3.01 Handyman turns up after FOUR MONTHS to measure up for replacing eaves – makes sarcastic comment about puppy and Ella – inform him she died – he slinks away.
3.30 Make steamed chicken dim sum for afternoon tea. Miss Four's verdict “This is shit” after she’d spat it on the floor. Yay, her vocabulary is coming along so nicely.
5.30 Hubby arrives home with freshly purchased teaset from auctioneers – where incidentally the computer system had gone tits up, so he fixed it for them. They offered him a job. He told them his hourly rate, they withdrew the offer.
5.40 Realise tea set is in really crap condition – much more crap than told. Have been had.
5.45 Get invoice for teacup from NZ – pay it via international bank transfer which cost an extra $24 thus making my BARGAIN teacup really fucking expensive
5.47 Realise really fucking expensive teacup does not match crap teaset – almost identical but NOT QUITE. Debate whether to tell husband or not. Elect not. Cunning plan to match teacup to parts of teaset and flog on ebay thereby making back money spent totally and utterly down the gurgler.
5.50 Puppy wees on floor, children have hysterics for no clear reason, Hubby loses temper and goes to buy Thai takeaway
5.51 Realise Miss Four is covered in hives – fill her up with clarantyne and mourn the fact its the non-drowsy version.
6.30 Stand outside waiting for puppy to wee - get eaten by sandflies
6.40 Give up on puppy
6.41 Puppy wees on floor
7.30 Stand outside waiting for puppy to wee - debate squeezing it out of the wretched animal - get eaten by mosquitos.
7.40 Give up on puppy
7.41 Puppy wees and poos on floor
9.03 Realise I haven’t washed puppy-wee bedsheets yet.