Miss 6s Aspergers diagnosis is like a slowly healing wound.
Mostly I don't really notice it, but now-and-then I bang it,
and THEN I notice.
Autism awareness day/month is banging that very sensitive part of my psyche, big time.
Much to my surprise, actually.
Maybe it's part of the grieving process.
Maybe I'm onto anger, or denial, or something.
I wanted to be involved with give-aways.
I wanted to 'raise awareness.'
I wanted to talk about how every day in my house is autism awareness day.
But then Miss 6 had yet another meltdown,
and we had the therapist at home yesterday,
and she wouldn't eat,
and she doesn't sleep,
and I can't brush her hair,
and she's taken against the Easter Service at school - meaning I'm going to now have to enter into lengthy negotiations and contingency plans to get us all through that hour of existence
and being around her right now is like being around a ticking bomb, as excitement over Easter, mixes uncomfortably with the change of routine from school to holidays.
In fact being around her is always a ticking time bomb.
I am endlessly balanced on a tightrope.
With no safety net.
And each time I see all the Autism Awareness information out there
I grit my teeth just a little harder
Because this year, to me, its a reminder that
I've been welcomed into a club (so warmly, and with such open arms)
But I don't want to be there
I don't want to deal with all this
I'm over it
I want it to go away
I just want normal
Just one day, with no screaming.