Doing it ALL wrong

Another brutal day. 42.5 was the max and the tatsoi seedlings joined the celery seedlings in vegetable heaven.  Hmm, is there a vegetable heaven?  A place where they can roam unfettered, and there is no slicing, dicing, steaming or (argh) grating. I suppose if there was there would have to be a dairy products heaven as well. Hmm.  This is what you get when you have a totally non-religious up-bringing - and if you had to throw your hat into any religious circus it'd be Church of England which was invented by King Henry VII so that he could marry Anne Boleyn and then cut her head off.  Its a good thing I am a complete hypocrite and am sending my children to a religious school (because its the easiest commute). Soon they will have all the answers for me.

Did I just open a can of worms?

Ah well.  My day has run along those lines.

Today's incidents of parental fuck-uppage today are almost too many to count.  But here, I'll make a list, so my children can find it one day and show it to their counsellors.

1. Pre 7am Miss 5 called hubby a "bitch" because he wouldn't let her have his ipod - and I laughed. We have no idea where she heard that one, its not one hubby or I ever use. 
2. Forget to light up with joy when I emerge from my bed and see the kids - possibly because at least one of them is decorating the table and a small pile of bills with her squished up weet-bix. 
3. Its a blistering hot day, the kids are tired from a busy few days and really snarky - how to entertain them?  Hmm, chuck them in the car where they are within hitting distance of each other and drive them too a plant nursery - cos kids love that.
4. Promise kids DVD in car.  DVD player broken. Kids beg for Milly & Molly audio book - I lie and say its broken too because their horrible little squeaky voices give me a headache.
5. Fighting in back intensified and mid-bellow I realise I forgot to feed them morning tea.
6. Feed them slightly biro-stained fruit tingles from depths of handbag.
7. Find a cafe. Children put it on in the cafe and behave appallingly so I feed them chocolate muffins with cream as a reward for their disgusting behaviour - oh and don't forget the babycinos - which they whined about because they are for babies and 'We Are Not Babies Mummy'.  
8. Made children walk around nursery looking at fruit trees in 40+ heat. Tell them this is fun and threaten if they don't behave I'll lock them in the car.
9. Drag plant-picking children from Nursery.
10. Decide to go to Bunnings.  Because it hadn't all been bloody hard enough already.  Hubby distracts children in party shop opposite Bunnings - children run around causing havoc wearing plastic boobs from the Buck's night aisle.  Hubby brings children to Bunnings.  I've blanked out what happened next.
11. Get drive through MacDonalds.  Add chicken nuggets and chips to already stellar diet of fruit tingles and chocolate muffins.
12. Get home and incarcerate children in bedrooms for 'rest time' - spend next twenty minutes bellowing 'get back in your bedroom, rest time lasts for an hour.'  Give in to nagging and utter disobedience and reward them with a swim.
13. Put on DVD and hide at the other end of the house for the rest of the afternoon.

Total parenting fail.

sigh.