Friday, January 29, 2010

Knocked Sideways

Today Miss 5 was overwhelmed at the sight of the school playground, seething with hundreds of excited children. I can't say I blamed her. Anyway, a little friend from her class was with us, and as she had older sisters at the school, was keen to go and investigate the cubby house, but Miss 5 baulked, and then started to lose it.

At that moment I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Stay and watch this wobble turn into a full blown melt-down, or leave and pray that she'd be okay.

I walked away.

Within twenty seconds of leaving the bell went and the teachers began to gather up the children, I tried to hide and see how Miss 5 was doing, but I couldn't see her amongst all the fenced off building equipment and matching uniforms. So I took myself home, on the edge of tears, assuring myself that she'd be fine.

Its been a long day. I've been so worried about her and hating myself for leaving her there, and wishing I'd stayed and knowing that if I had she'd have started howling. My heart hurts, I'm consumed with guilt and anxiety, and I just can't believe how difficult it all is.

She was white-faced and subdued when I picked her up and she won't talk to me at all. She just walks away. I think she's exhausted. I'm not going to push anything, and hopefully over the weekend we can set things to rights and talk it all out.

In the meantime I'm knocked sideways by Mummy-guilt - Just another thing they failed to mention in ante-natal classes.


8 people love me:

Belinda said...

What a difficult decision to find yourself in the middle of it sounds totally heart wrenching.

I hope the two of you get it sorted out over the weekend as it sounds like she is feeling pretty fragile atm.

Kind Regards

Kellyansapansa said...

You poor things - sounds traumatic for both of you. I'm sure a good talk and lots of cuddles and kisses will set things to rights. xx

Heather Boyd said...

I promise you - mummy guilt does fade. Breathe, kiss her goodnight and try to enjoy your evening.

Thea said...

Oh no, the curse of motherhood...mummy guilt!
My only comforting words are that when I was teaching, they always stopped crying just after Mum or Dad left. I always felt so sorry for the parents knowing they'd be worried all day & I got to see a beautiful happy little face all day.

Quixotic said...

Aw, poor thing. It must have bene hard to walk away, but you did the right thing, and same with not pushing the issue, let her talk about it in her own time over the weekend. Remember, Mummy guilt actually means you're a good Mum, it's the truly crappy parent who never feels guilt!! ;o)

life and the memoirs said...

Mummy guilt is such a strong emotion to deal with at times. Just when you aren't expecting it to surface something happens and here we go again!
Hope you can enjoy the weekend :)

Caitlyn Nicholas said...

Thanks for your support everyone, I appreciate it, a lot.

And thanks Heather for the advice to breathe. Its what I'm doing, just breathing away the angst. It helps.

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