Today Miss 5 was overwhelmed at the sight of the school playground, seething with hundreds of excited children. I can't say I blamed her. Anyway, a little friend from her class was with us, and as she had older sisters at the school, was keen to go and investigate the cubby house, but Miss 5 baulked, and then started to lose it.
At that moment I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Stay and watch this wobble turn into a full blown melt-down, or leave and pray that she'd be okay.
I walked away.
Within twenty seconds of leaving the bell went and the teachers began to gather up the children, I tried to hide and see how Miss 5 was doing, but I couldn't see her amongst all the fenced off building equipment and matching uniforms. So I took myself home, on the edge of tears, assuring myself that she'd be fine.
Its been a long day. I've been so worried about her and hating myself for leaving her there, and wishing I'd stayed and knowing that if I had she'd have started howling. My heart hurts, I'm consumed with guilt and anxiety, and I just can't believe how difficult it all is.
She was white-faced and subdued when I picked her up and she won't talk to me at all. She just walks away. I think she's exhausted. I'm not going to push anything, and hopefully over the weekend we can set things to rights and talk it all out.
In the meantime I'm knocked sideways by Mummy-guilt - Just another thing they failed to mention in ante-natal classes.